Mummmm, mummmm good flap jacks

Milo is really angry with me.  We did not take a walk together today.  I left for the firehouse early. My loving wife volunteered me to be traffic director at the FlapJack Fling today.  (That will teach me to miss an organizational meeting!)  I arrived just after 7 AM and adorned my red and yellow safety vest.  Because of the width of Sunshine Canyon Drive, we have to restrict parking to one side of the road.  My recruited helper, Col. Wain and I placed red safety cones on the far side of the road.  Even though the event started at 9AM, two hours away, traffic was arriving early.  I had to send my son, Nathan, back to the house to pick up my SPF5000.  The sun was bright and it was getting warm.  Nathan was nice enough to raise the flag today.

The event went well.  Wanda, the organizer had planned on 300 people.  The last person was served at 11:15, I surveyed the food situation.  Wanda had planned perfectly.  There were probably around 350 including the people who just wanted to participate in the community meeting.  At about 1:30 a cold wind started blowing in from the west. and we closed it down.  Tut, Tut, it looks like rain and snow (up to 6" by tomorrow night).

I didn't mention anything when daylight savings took affect, but, I would like to mention it now.  Please change the batteries in your smoke detector.  One of the discussions we had at the community meeting was the reason the firehouse does not have a smoke detector.  The new station will be equipped with a device that will call up to four phone numbers if it detects an abnormal high heat.  A smoke detector does not offer the best protection for a building that is void of people most of the time.

My friend, Chris, sent this to me.  I'd like to share it with you. Enjoy!

 Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to their yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate  meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained

3. Abdicate (v), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

***second batch***

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.


And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.  

 

Smiles, David

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